Goomeri man Freddie Darland was frustrated with his unreliable telephone and internet connection. So he called Telstra and a technician was sent out. “I suggested he lay a fresh cable in my yard,” said Mr Darland. “Imagine my surprise when he dropped his dacks and snapped off a big steaming foot-long grogan in the middle of my blue cooch lawn!” (more…)
Superhero strike dooms ‘droopy drawers’ draft
A threat from all-American superheroes Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman to boycott emergency incidents in Virginia has forced politicians in the southern US state to ditch their planned ban on clothing which reveals the wearer’s underwear. The so-called ‘Droopy Drawers’ proposal had already passed the state’s Lower House, but Senators quickly buried the Bill when the superheroes threatened to strike because they could face $50 fines for their outfits. (more…)
News in brief
The Pope is dead - long live Jim Henson
As Catholics worldwide express concerns for the failing health of Pope John Paul II, the Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that the pontiff actually died on May 16, 1990. An exhaustive search of Vatican records has revealed that the Pope died when a metal fragment from a failed assassination attempt in 1981 entered the Pope’s bloodstream. The secret records further reveal that the Catholic church replaced the deceased Holiness with a muppet due to fears that a leaderless church would falter during the hedonistic 1990s. (more…)
Osama sells cave as fixer-upper
Axis of Evil leader Osama bin Laden is selling his secret cave hideout through A.Q. Hooka Real Estate. Bin Laden told the Ripper that his agent was confident that the cave would achieve three times what he had paid for it. (more…)
Pixar heroes to rescue hostage doll
Toy Story heroes Woody the cowboy and Buzz Lightyear will launch a daring rescue mission to rescue plastic action figure Special Ops Cody from Iraqi militants. The Mujahedeen Squadrons of Iraq have threatened to dismember Cody, or melt him with a cigarette lighter or perhaps pop off his arms and legs and replace them with components from Mr Potato Head. (more…)
Mamdouh Habib’s lost baggage hell
Mamdouh Habib’s return to Australia from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was delayed by some four hours at Sydney Airport when he was selected for security screening, The Ripper has learned. Mr Habib’s solicitor Stephen Hopper described the check as a “clear case of racial profiling” by security staff, but airport officials indicated they were just checking for illicit Cuban cigars that might undermine the huge markup in their overpriced duty-free tobacco shops. (more…)
Sickening’ Olsens game banned
The Office of Film and Literature Classification (OFLC) has banned the computer game “Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s Bulimia Clinic Sleepover” from sale in Australia. OFLC spokesperson Lotta Kutting said the game contained sickening levels of graphic teen cuteness and was in breach of Australian standards. “I almost lost my lunch playing this game,” Ms Kutting said. (more…)