Insomniac British man gets ‘first good night’s sleep in years’ during midnight earthquake that woke thousands in panic

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Administrator — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 10:26:06 +0000

Irish PM Bertie Ahern accepts Zimbabwe election result and resigns

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Administrator — Thu, 31 May 2007 22:31:18 +0000

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waz — Thu, 10 May 2007 14:59:54 +0000

The departing British prime minister, Tony Blair, was completely absolved over the Iraq fiasco today after uttering the catch-all excuse that “I did what I thought was right”.

Ibjab al-Tabir, an Iraqi barber, responded as he climbed out of a crater left by the latest suicide truck bomb: “I mean, our country has been reduced to rubble, but if he was doing what he thought was right, I suppose we’ve got to forgive him.”
Mr Blair’s retirement announcement was expected to be the last speech he gives for free before beginning a lucrative globetrotting career on the after-dinner circuit.

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Administrator — Sat, 14 May 2005 01:16:44 +0000

After an exclusive preview screening of the third Star Wars episode at Skywalker Ranch, the Daily Ripper can confirm that “Revenge of the Sith” doesn’t suck. With George Lucas’s permission, the Ripper can reveal that Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader and in a shocking twist Senator Palpatine turns out to be Darth Sidious/the Emperor!

Although the Ripper signed a confidentiality agreement regarding the rest of the movie, we can say that Yoda does not die, Padme has twins called “Luke” and “Leia”, Obi-Wan moves to Tatooine and the droids end up in the possession of Captain Antilles conveniently forgetting that they ever knew Darth Vader before he later boards their ship.

Further, in a homage to “Return of the Jedi”, Wookies replace Ewoks as the furry critters who turn the tide of war and save the universe in a humorous yet primitive way.

Responding to fans’ wishes longing for a truly hateable character, Lucas has brought back the digital Jar Jar Binks as a major presence in Episode Three, almost doubling his screen time from Episode One.

Producer Rick McCallum confirmed that test audiences from over 40 pre-schools in the US demanded the return of the Rastafarian amphibian.

“Sure, we had to cut out the whole scene where Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu fights to the death with Count Dooku, but hey, now Jar Jar slips on a banana peel and hits Christopher Lee’s character in the face with a cream pie. Yoda takes advantage of this and cuts Dookoo off at the knees with his lightsaber,” McCallum said.

“Meeza goesa oopsy,” says Jar Jar as Yoda quips “Mmmm, sith happens!”

As a final teaser, the Ripper confirms, Qui-Gonn Gin returns in Jedi spirit form and tells Obi-Wan that the whole thing about midichlorians was wrong and he should probably just forget about them completely. Qui-Gonn also clarifies how he got to have an Anglo-Irish accent while having a name that sounds Vietnamese.

Star Wars “Revenge of the Sith” opens on the May 19, 2005.

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