Canada this week announced it will not join the U.S. missile defence program, widening a political rift between the two countries. But an amicable soloution is in sight — since Australia has already signed up for Star Wars, Prime Minister John Howard has proposed that Australia and Canada simply swap places. (more…)

A U.S. soldier who shot an unarmed, injured Iraqi civilian in the face and then jumped up and down on the dead man’s spine has been cleared of criminal charges by the U.S. Armed Forces Tribunal. (more…)

Legendary rock group Queen has refused to play at the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla on the grounds of bad taste. (more…)

A threat from all-American superheroes Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman to boycott emergency incidents in Virginia has forced politicians in the southern US state to ditch their planned ban on clothing which reveals the wearer’s underwear. The so-called ‘Droopy Drawers’ proposal had already passed the state’s Lower House, but Senators quickly buried the Bill when the superheroes threatened to strike because they could face $50 fines for their outfits. (more…)

As Catholics worldwide express concerns for the failing health of Pope John Paul II, the Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that the pontiff actually died on May 16, 1990. An exhaustive search of Vatican records has revealed that the Pope died when a metal fragment from a failed assassination attempt in 1981 entered the Pope’s bloodstream. The secret records further reveal that the Catholic church replaced the deceased Holiness with a muppet due to fears that a leaderless church would falter during the hedonistic 1990s. (more…)

Axis of Evil leader Osama bin Laden is selling his secret cave hideout through A.Q. Hooka Real Estate. Bin Laden told the Ripper that his agent was confident that the cave would achieve three times what he had paid for it. (more…)

Toy Story heroes Woody the cowboy and Buzz Lightyear will launch a daring rescue mission to rescue plastic action figure Special Ops Cody from Iraqi militants. The Mujahedeen Squadrons of Iraq have threatened to dismember Cody, or melt him with a cigarette lighter or perhaps pop off his arms and legs and replace them with components from Mr Potato Head. (more…)

Mamdouh Habib’s return to Australia from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was delayed by some four hours at Sydney Airport when he was selected for security screening, The Ripper has learned. Mr Habib’s solicitor Stephen Hopper described the check as a “clear case of racial profiling” by security staff, but airport officials indicated they were just checking for illicit Cuban cigars that might undermine the huge markup in their overpriced duty-free tobacco shops. (more…)

Israelis have turned out in their thousands to protest prime minister Ariel Sharon’s plan to hand over control of tracts of the Gaza Strip to an Abba tribute act. Sharon is set to open negotiations with “Mahmoud Abba”, also known as “Abba-Mazing”, believing that Swedish pop with a Palestinian twist can bring an end to decades of religion-fuelled bloodshed. (more…)

Iraqis pumped up at their transition to democracy have threatened to invade the United States and install an Iraqi-style electoral system in which almost three-quarters of eligible voters actually bother to turn out on polling day. Terrorist groups, meanwhile, saw their stock fall to an all-time low as they failed to prevent the election, prompting US military-industrial corporation Halliburton to launch a generous takeover bid for all insurgent operations in the country as it moved to complete its vertical integration of the war effort. (more…)