Prime Minister John Howard has been reunited with his long-lost son who was adopted out by the PM 43 years ago. Kim Beazley, the on-again off-again leader of the Opposition, was informed on Sunday that the PM is his natural father. (more…)
Goomeri man Freddie Darland was frustrated with his unreliable telephone and internet connection. So he called Telstra and a technician was sent out. “I suggested he lay a fresh cable in my yard,” said Mr Darland. “Imagine my surprise when he dropped his dacks and snapped off a big steaming foot-long grogan in the middle of my blue cooch lawn!” (more…)
Former National Party leader and outdoors enthusiast Tim Fischer will lead a last-ditch search of the rugged Tasmanian wilderness for the mythical right-wing Phillip Adams. This grainy photograph is the only known image of the elusive beast. Its natural enemy, the left-wing Adams, is a large nocturnal creature that uses its Radio National show Late Night Live to spread a brain virus that conservatives say causes those infected to lean sharply to the left. (more…)
The Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that Kim Beazley only took the reins of the Australian Labor Party today because he was the only potential candidate able to circulate among his Caucus colleagues a doctor’s report which gave his pancreas a clean bill of health. At the same time, Beazley has promised a $1 billion fighting fund to battle the crippling disease which struck down Mark Latham, forcing his retirement from politics. (more…)
Ending speculation about his political future, Australian Opposition Leader Mark Latham has announced he will lead Midnight Oil in its comeback concert for tsunami victims at the Sydney Cricket Ground this month. The Opposition Leader’s appointment as the frontman of one of Australia’s most outspoken and environmentally conscious rock groups is understood to be part of a “leader-exchange” program. (more…)
The Australian Government has announced that the proposed sale of the remaining portion of Telstra will in fact bring the country closer to the city, because no-one will live in the bush any more. The announcement coincides with the release of an exclusive Daily Ripper poll of rural Australians’ attitudes to the Telstra sell-off. (more…)
Prime Minister John Howard will give Australians the chance to exchange their electoral votes for non-voting, Class B shares in Telstra as part of a plan to cement a permanent hold on both houses of Parliament. Mr Howard said the scheme will provide a fully audited vote-buying alternative to the unseemly pork barrelling most recently seen in the pre-election grants to regional areas. (more…)
Foreign Minister Alexander “Deputy Dawg” Downer has turned down an offer to become the new nuclear watchdog of the United Nations, saying he prefers to remain a lapdog to the United States. (more…)
Aboriginal football hero Michael Long’s walk to Canberra has sparked a drive to relaunch ATSIC as an independent body funded entirely by walkathons. (more…)
Queensland Premier Peter Beattie has called for federal Labor to “sack or back” leader Mark Latham, but a caucus member retorted that what Latham really needs is a “sack, back and crack wax”. (more…)