The departing British prime minister, Tony Blair, was completely absolved over the Iraq fiasco today after uttering the catch-all excuse that “I did what I thought was right”.

Ibjab al-Tabir, an Iraqi barber, responded as he climbed out of a crater left by the latest suicide truck bomb: “I mean, our country has been reduced to rubble, but if he was doing what he thought was right, I suppose we’ve got to forgive him.”
Mr Blair’s retirement announcement was expected to be the last speech he gives for free before beginning a lucrative globetrotting career on the after-dinner circuit.

‘A new book promises to teach “absolutely anyone” the easy way to make a million dollars — simply by writing a book about how to make a million dollars. How To Make Your First Million By Writing A Book About How To Make Your First Million by I.T.S.A Surething promises to make anyone a millionaire, “even if you’re stupid enough to believe this book will work”. (more…)

A signwriter who put up notices saying “Free Alcohol Zone” instead of “Alcohol-Free Zone” on Queensland’s Gold Coast was sacked last night, after Schoolies partying on the holiday strip rioted and demanded free beer. (more…)

A Canadian housewife has left scientists red-faced by demonstrating her own alternative to “teleporting”, the holy grail of science fiction and physics whereby matter is transported from one location to another using beams of energy. (more…)

The United States said today the “healing” of Fallujah in Iraq was almost complete and the US would soon move on to the next enemy stronghold. The announcement signalled moves by the White House to expand the theme of President George W Bush’s acceptance speech, in which the election victor promised “healing” for a divided nation. (more…)