Canada this week announced it will not join the U.S. missile defence program, widening a political rift between the two countries. But an amicable soloution is in sight — since Australia has already signed up for Star Wars, Prime Minister John Howard has proposed that Australia and Canada simply swap places. (more…)
Prime Minister John Howard has been reunited with his long-lost son who was adopted out by the PM 43 years ago. Kim Beazley, the on-again off-again leader of the Opposition, was informed on Sunday that the PM is his natural father. (more…)
Goomeri man Freddie Darland was frustrated with his unreliable telephone and internet connection. So he called Telstra and a technician was sent out. “I suggested he lay a fresh cable in my yard,” said Mr Darland. “Imagine my surprise when he dropped his dacks and snapped off a big steaming foot-long grogan in the middle of my blue cooch lawn!” (more…)
Mamdouh Habib’s return to Australia from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was delayed by some four hours at Sydney Airport when he was selected for security screening, The Ripper has learned. Mr Habib’s solicitor Stephen Hopper described the check as a “clear case of racial profiling” by security staff, but airport officials indicated they were just checking for illicit Cuban cigars that might undermine the huge markup in their overpriced duty-free tobacco shops. (more…)
Former National Party leader and outdoors enthusiast Tim Fischer will lead a last-ditch search of the rugged Tasmanian wilderness for the mythical right-wing Phillip Adams. This grainy photograph is the only known image of the elusive beast. Its natural enemy, the left-wing Adams, is a large nocturnal creature that uses its Radio National show Late Night Live to spread a brain virus that conservatives say causes those infected to lean sharply to the left. (more…)
The Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that Kim Beazley only took the reins of the Australian Labor Party today because he was the only potential candidate able to circulate among his Caucus colleagues a doctor’s report which gave his pancreas a clean bill of health. At the same time, Beazley has promised a $1 billion fighting fund to battle the crippling disease which struck down Mark Latham, forcing his retirement from politics. (more…)
Ending speculation about his political future, Australian Opposition Leader Mark Latham has announced he will lead Midnight Oil in its comeback concert for tsunami victims at the Sydney Cricket Ground this month. The Opposition Leader’s appointment as the frontman of one of Australia’s most outspoken and environmentally conscious rock groups is understood to be part of a “leader-exchange” program. (more…)
The Australian Government has announced that the proposed sale of the remaining portion of Telstra will in fact bring the country closer to the city, because no-one will live in the bush any more. The announcement coincides with the release of an exclusive Daily Ripper poll of rural Australians’ attitudes to the Telstra sell-off. (more…)
A special Daily Ripper presentation, The Year in Preview goes where other news sites fear to tread — the future. Find out the biggest stories of 2005 before they happen, including the sequel to the tsunami which obliterates low expectations, the fashion freak-out in the Melbourne underworld, and the surprises in store for reigning Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins. (more…)
John Howard, the Australian Prime Minister, has used the tsunami aid summit in Jakarta to apologise for the killer wave. Mr Howard, under intense questioning from the Ripper, admitted the tsunami was caused by the botched trial of a top-secret military device intended to flush approaching boat-people back out to sea. (more…)