Microsoft founder Bill Gates has confirmed that the next-generation Windows operating system, codenamed Longhorn, will have 50% more bugs than Windows XP. The software billionaire has also given a satisfaction guarantee on the new operating system, which is due for release at Christmas 2005. “If anyone is fully satisfied with Longhorn then I will guarantee them a full refund,” Mr Gates said.

Microsoft press kits have promised that Longhorn will have more invasive spyware than previous products, to allow the company to keep track of its customers. “With the new operating system you won’t be able to take a shit without logging on to the Microsoft website and confirming your bowel authentication code,” a company spokesperson said.

Longhorn will also introduce knew choices when errors occur in the program.

“Previous Windows versions were limited to the choice of ‘Send Report’ or ‘Don’t Send Report’ when Windows crashed. The Longhorn system allows users to also choose ‘Pull Hair in Frustration’, ‘Smash Computer’ and ‘A Pox on Bill Gates’ buttons,” the spokesperson said.

Mr Gates told the Ripper that the Longhorn system’s Plug ‘n Pray feature now recognises less hardware than ever before. “We hope to discourage people from using third-party companies like Intel, Canon and Nvidia and encourage them to use genuine Microsoft inferior software and hardware,” Mr Gates said.

Finally, Mr Gates confirmed that for the launch of Longhorn, the Rolling Stones back catalogue has once again been pilfered.

” ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’ symbolises what Microsoft hopes to achieve with this new-generation OS,” Mr Gates gloated.