Goomeri man Freddie Darland was frustrated with his unreliable telephone and internet connection. So he called Telstra and a technician was sent out. “I suggested he lay a fresh cable in my yard,” said Mr Darland. “Imagine my surprise when he dropped his dacks and snapped off a big steaming foot-long grogan in the middle of my blue cooch lawn!”

“I just wanted to be able to log on, but this bloke comes along and drops a log on my carefully groomed grass.

“I have to tell you, I have had a lot of trouble with downloading and that was one of the fastest downloads that’s been seen around here in a while. I was impressed, I must admit, that he was able to complete the download in one session, without any premature drop-out.

“But I’m still pissed off. Those fatcats on the Telstra board are on doubt sitting back smoking their cigars and all I get for my $65 a month in service charges is a bloody Bondi cigar dropped on my quarter-acre block.”

A Telstra spokeswoman said that in technical terms the incident was known as a “brown-out”.

“At Telstra our service is crap and we are proud to demonstrate that, given the opportunity.” The secret to better downloading lay in eating more fruit and fibre, she said.

After Mr Darland complained, a Telstra supervisor was sent out and declared the healthy-looking stool “up to scratch” and ready to float.

Mr Darland said he now faces the dilemma of poop-scooping the nugget or “letting it dry out and hitting it with the lawnmower”.

“In a way it will be interesting to see whether it goes white like a dog turd does when it dries out. There are a few flecks of corn in it, but then there’s always corn in it from my experience.”

Mr Darland said he is now convinced Telstra is not ready to be fully privatised. “Even a blind mullet could see that,” he said.