Iraqis pumped up at their transition to democracy have threatened to invade the United States and install an Iraqi-style electoral system in which almost three-quarters of eligible voters actually bother to turn out on polling day. Terrorist groups, meanwhile, saw their stock fall to an all-time low as they failed to prevent the election, prompting US military-industrial corporation Halliburton to launch a generous takeover bid for all insurgent operations in the country as it moved to complete its vertical integration of the war effort.

US president George W. Bush expressed concern at the high voter turnout. “I mean this is their first go at democracy and look what happens. They’re already showing us up, they are really rubbing our nose in it and there’s no way we can live up to that sort of result.

“I mean you go around for years trying to promote voter apathy, trying to bore or befuddle the electors into being too apathetic or confused to vote. Now ordinary Americans are going to want what Iraqis have got, and I don’t mean cheap oil and mutton. By jeez I’d invade those Iraqi buggers and sort this out but we sort of already have invaded them,” he said.

“I send my best chad-hangers over there to make the result appear dodgy and inconclusive, so if we didn’t like the colour of the government we could just cluster-bomb them out. But what do we get instead, a cluster-fuck — a fair result with a solid mandate that we can’t question. Not good Donald, Condoleeza and co., not good.”

Iraqi election analyst Ali Beri said a few random idiots running around with explosives strapped to their waists would do wonders for voter turnout at American elections.

“It doesn’t have to be that much explosives, you just have to give the people something to be defiant about, other than wishy-washy threats about John Kerry being too liberal, I mean what the fuck? Stick a Koran under John Kerry’s armpit and some gelignite and a fuse up his arse and light the bastard then set him running down the street and just like that you’ve got someone the voters can focus on and really polarize against. It worked for us here in Iraq and it can work for America too,” he said.

On the takeover bid for terrorist operations, vice-president Dick Cheney said Halliburton would offer suicide bombers a better severance package than the harem of virgins in heaven that they currently get. “But let me make it clear, by severance we are not talking about letting them sever any more heads, limbs or anything. Our offer is a good one but we don’t want it to cost an arm and a leg.”