The Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that Kim Beazley only took the reins of the Australian Labor Party today because he was the only potential candidate able to circulate among his Caucus colleagues a doctor’s report which gave his pancreas a clean bill of health. At the same time, Beazley has promised a $1 billion fighting fund to battle the crippling disease which struck down Mark Latham, forcing his retirement from politics.

Latham quit because of a second bout of pancreatitis — his decision had little to do with his devastating election loss last year and the lack of faith expressed in him by party members.

A Labor MP — who in the grand tradition established by party members in recent months wishes to remain anonymous — has exclusively told the Ripper the inside story of how Beazley warded off potential challenges from Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard by showing off his medical records.

“Kim’s been passing around a report from his doctor which says his pancreas is in full working order and won’t cause him any problems in the future,” the MP said.

“He’s also got this Powerpoint presentation worked up which he showed a few of us in a bid to secure our votes. It runs through a full report card on his pancreas.

“It’s pretty gross really. One slide even had this weird-looking medical scan that was apparently his pancreas. I mean, I know it’s become Labor’s way to make our internal workings public but this is just going one step too far.

“And quite frankly, I’d rather see the inside workings of Julia Gillard than big Kim,” the red-blooded male MP said of the red-headed hottie who decided against challenging Beazley when her doctor pointed out that her pancreas appeared “unelectable”.

Rudd took a similar decision after his doctor declared his pancreas was “long-winded and a bit nerdy”.

At a press conference following the fait accompli Caucus vote confirming him as leader, Beazley made no mention of his own pancreas but did publicly vow to take the fight to pancreatitis.

“As the born again leader of the great Australian Labor Party, I hereby commit $1 billion to the fight against pancreatitis,” he declared.

“I promise that after 2005, no Australian Labor leader will ever again have to live with pancreatitis.

“John Howard gave $1 billion to Indonesia for post-tsunami reconstruction in Aceh and frankly, we in the Australian Labor Party feel the same amount must go to a cause which has created just as much devastation for many Australian Labor voters.”

Meanwhile, Gillard denied that had she got her nose out of joint because Latham announced his retirement from politics while she was overseas and therefore out of the early jockeying for position. “I know it looks a bit funny but that’s just the way my nose has always been,” she said.