In a show of defiance, Mark Philippoussis has decried his lowly position in the world tennis rankings, saying his record in ‘mixed singles’ is unmatched. “No-one, and I mean none of the other a*#@holes on the circuit has come near me over the past two years,” the Scud said at a press conference called to launch his new initiative providing after-school care for young models.

Despite falling to a world ranking of 109, Philippoussis says he is proud of his record in 2004.

“Of course, I was originally concentrating on tennis and thought I had done pretty well to bag a pash with Kournikova in the car park a few years back, but frankly name me one other player who diversified so comprehensively over the past 12 months,” Philippoussis dared the gathered media, who grumbled under their breath that they wished he would diversify back onto the tennis court.

“I mean, no-one was able to do both Delta and Grand Slam Paris in the one tournament year,” the Scud said as he rubbed at the recent groin injury that forced his withdrawal from the Australian Open.

“I reckon Holly might have been into it too if she hadn’t been so wasted.

“Even our so-called heroes of yesteryear in tennis were shameful. The swinging ’60s, loose ’70s and decadent ’80s? C’mon. Navratilova has pulled more birds than anyone on the circuit before me. Who’s to look up to —– Grandpa Aggassi? The only ‘hip’ thing about him gave out last week.

“Let’s face it, most players want to be me, and if they don’t they’re idiots. I’ve done the hottest babes, have the coolest nickname and have easily come up with the most imaginative injuries to do just about anything but play tennis over the past two years - I have no equal!”

Philippoussis says he has been trying to help out his Australian Davis Cup team-mate Lleyton Hewitt.

“Little Lley Lley was a joke man,” he said. “Even at number one all he could pants was some bird who looked like his sister.

“So I took charge with some advice, giving him a hand spotting some curls and on the bench press and that, and look at him - Wham! Bec Cartwright! Back in the game! Go Balboa!”

The Scud says his new after-school care facility will provide an important service for young, inexperienced models, teaching them the basics of life as a trophy girlfriend.

Asked if his plans included further endeavours outside the sport, Philippoussis replied: “I think this year it’s time to get back to basics and stay true to the circuit.

“Have you seen Sharipova’s ass man? And those legs … she’d be a friggin’ rocket. I’ve been doing a lot of solo training, just me-on-me kind of stuff and I think it’s really starting to pay off — although the obvious danger is that frankly I’m so good, I just don’t know if any of the ladies will measure up,” the Poo remarked to the increasingly nauseous press room.