The Australian Government has announced that the proposed sale of the remaining portion of Telstra will in fact bring the country closer to the city, because no-one will live in the bush any more. The announcement coincides with the release of an exclusive Daily Ripper poll of rural Australians’ attitudes to the Telstra sell-off.

“Those regional people with access to telephones will be better off once Telstra is sold,” federal Telecommunications Minister Helen Coonan said.

“Because all telecommunication services will cease 10km west of the eastern coast, people in the bush will be forced to move to the city,” the Minister said.

“This will save both state and federal governments millions of dollars each year in rural grants, subsidies and drought relief.”

When questioned as to who would provide for Australia’s agricultural and livestock needs, the Minister responded: “The Americans of course. Everyone knows they’re better farmers … take old Ronald McDonald for example, he was a great farmer.”

Wilbur Williams Williamson Senior, a second generation grazier from ‘Dunrootin’ Station south of Wodonga in Victoria, supports the move to sell Telstra.

“Currently we only have to drive 135km to use a telephone. And that whole ‘intermenet’ thingy is overated. You don’t need porn if you’re pulling corn all day,” Mr Williamson Sr said.

“If Telstra was sold and the service got any worse it would give me and ‘mother’ the perfect excuse to sell our multi-million dollar property and move to the Gold Coast,” the grazier said. “Plus, ‘mother’ owns a whole swag of Telstra shares,” he added.

Opposition regional spokesman Neil Dyaltoan said the forced sale of Telstra would bring thousands of “country bumpkins” into our cities.

“The last thing we need is a bunch of hat-wearing hicks driving their Ford Falcon Longreach utes at 15km per hour on our streets,” said Mr Dyaltoan.

“Rural people are different and we should ensure they stay in the most inhospitable and isolated areas of this great continent,” Mr Dyaltoan said. “This is the best argument against the Telstra sell-off yet,” he said.

Exclusive Poll Of Regional Australia Regarding Telstra Sale

The Daily Ripper has surveyed 4,000 regional Australians, asking: “Do you think the sale of Telstra will affect telecommunications in rural Australia?”

The results are as follows:

• 47 per cent responded: “What’s a telemaphone?”
• 12 per cent responded: “What’s so special about broadband? My hat has a broad band but I wouldn’t pay $29.95 a month for it!”
• 6.5 per cent responded: “As long as private communication companies are able to match Telstra’s record of service and support for the bush then there shouldn’t be a problem. Two hours to fix a couple of tin cans and a piece of string is gonna be difficult to compete with.”
• 10 per cent responded: “What’s that funny grey fuzzy ice-cream thingy that you all are pointing at me?”
• 24.5 per cent responded: “Sure Telstra’s sale will mean crappier services for the bush. But Mr Howard has done such a fine job of battling terrorists and keeping us safe that I guess we can forgive him.”
• 1 per cent responded: “Aaaarrrrrgggghhh! You’ve stolen my voice and my soul with your magic box and sound stick. Aaaaeeeeiiihhh!”