Wollongong man Clayton Haverty says he is eagerly awaiting the as-yet-unannounced release by Microsoft of Service Pack 3 for Windows XP Home. “It’s not so much that I think my computer needs it, because Windows is already excellent,” he gushed. “Just that I really enjoy downloading and installing those updates. I like the uninstall shield wizard and all the little dialogue boxes that pop up, the disclaimer where you have to tick the little box and agree to it before you continue and stuff like that.

“I don’t really use my computer for anything concrete, I just like to tweak the settings and install updates. I’ve cranked the virtual RAM up and down, changed the desktop scene umpteen times and adjusted the screen resolution and font sizes and all that, and I can’t find much more to do really.

“Sometimes I do a control-alt-delete so you get that ‘End Program Now’ thing, just to try and mix things up a bit and keep it interesting. Another service pack would be good, because I always find that Windows crashes a lot more spontaneously after you put in a service pack. For me, SP2 was a real must-have and I expect SP3 to take the unreliability of Windows to a new level,” he beamed.

Asked to comment on the case, Australian Democrats founder turned computer e-tailer, Don Chipp of Don’s Chippworld Keeping The Bastards Online, said there are many options other than Windows service packs for people whose sense of self-importance depends on installing annoying, largely pointless software.

“He could buy the McAfee virus protection and firewall suite for example. Just about every time you move the mouse it asks you if you to click here if want to download this file or open that document because there could be viruses,” he said.

But Mr Chipp warned that updates, patches and virus programs cannot guard a user from everything.

“Take Natasha Stott Despoja, one of the biggest users in recent Australian politics. I had her Toshiba laptop up to date with all the service packs and all that and she still got shafted as the leader of the Democrats. A firewall won’t protect you when the knives are out, virtual or otherwise, in backroom party politics.”

Neil Lowrie said he has sought to distance himself from Mr Haverty, his brother-in-law, over constant interference with his computer. Mr Lowrie said he understood other family members and friends had been plagued by Mr Haverty’s unwanted attention to their PCs.

“He comes around here and dicks around with the bloody thing and next thing he’s deleted half me files because he says they’ve got viruses or some crap, and now I’m forever getting these warning messages, do I want to allow this or that program to communicate with the internet. He buggerizes around with the control panel and changes all me friggen settings,” Mr Lowrie sputtered, visibly reddening.

“I just want to check me e-mail and surf me porn but now I’ve got to put in all these bloody passwords and bullshit. Jeez he’s a dickhead that bastard.”