Israelis have turned out in their thousands to protest prime minister Ariel Sharon’s plan to hand over control of tracts of the Gaza Strip to an Abba tribute act. Sharon is set to open negotiations with “Mahmoud Abba”, also known as “Abba-Mazing”, believing that Swedish pop with a Palestinian twist can bring an end to decades of religion-fuelled bloodshed. (more…)

Iraqis pumped up at their transition to democracy have threatened to invade the United States and install an Iraqi-style electoral system in which almost three-quarters of eligible voters actually bother to turn out on polling day. Terrorist groups, meanwhile, saw their stock fall to an all-time low as they failed to prevent the election, prompting US military-industrial corporation Halliburton to launch a generous takeover bid for all insurgent operations in the country as it moved to complete its vertical integration of the war effort. (more…)

Former National Party leader and outdoors enthusiast Tim Fischer will lead a last-ditch search of the rugged Tasmanian wilderness for the mythical right-wing Phillip Adams. This grainy photograph is the only known image of the elusive beast. Its natural enemy, the left-wing Adams, is a large nocturnal creature that uses its Radio National show Late Night Live to spread a brain virus that conservatives say causes those infected to lean sharply to the left. (more…)

The Daily Ripper can exclusively reveal that Kim Beazley only took the reins of the Australian Labor Party today because he was the only potential candidate able to circulate among his Caucus colleagues a doctor’s report which gave his pancreas a clean bill of health. At the same time, Beazley has promised a $1 billion fighting fund to battle the crippling disease which struck down Mark Latham, forcing his retirement from politics. (more…)

‘A new book promises to teach “absolutely anyone” the easy way to make a million dollars — simply by writing a book about how to make a million dollars. How To Make Your First Million By Writing A Book About How To Make Your First Million by I.T.S.A Surething promises to make anyone a millionaire, “even if you’re stupid enough to believe this book will work”. (more…)

United States President George W Bush has made another of his trademark slips of the tongue, vowing to “faithfully execute the President of the United States” while being sworn in for his second term. (more…)

In a show of defiance, Mark Philippoussis has decried his lowly position in the world tennis rankings, saying his record in ‘mixed singles’ is unmatched. “No-one, and I mean none of the other a*#@holes on the circuit has come near me over the past two years,” the Scud said at a press conference called to launch his new initiative providing after-school care for young models. (more…)

Ending speculation about his political future, Australian Opposition Leader Mark Latham has announced he will lead Midnight Oil in its comeback concert for tsunami victims at the Sydney Cricket Ground this month. The Opposition Leader’s appointment as the frontman of one of Australia’s most outspoken and environmentally conscious rock groups is understood to be part of a “leader-exchange” program. (more…)

One man’s dream to relaunch Iraq as a kinky sex destination is in tatters with the conviction of former Abu Ghraib guard and pioneering fetish caterer Charles Graner. A multi-national inspection team, meanwhile, returned from Iraq having found no trace of Saddam’s reputed arsenal of whips, masks and dildos (WMD). (more…)

Prince Harry has apologized for his poor sartorial sense in wearing a Nazi swastika to a fancy dress party. “But I deny that six million Jews were really offended,” said the prince, felling a photographer with a deft right hook while sucking on a fat reefer. Prince Charles, meanwhile, ordered his son to travel to the Auschwitz death camp, preferably in cattle class, and take a cold shower there. (more…)