Foreign Minister Alexander “Deputy Dawg” Downer has turned down an offer to become the new nuclear watchdog of the United Nations, saying he prefers to remain a lapdog to the United States. (more…)

U.S. president George W. Bush has blamed Saddam Hussein and his kitchen-based weapons of mass destruction program for the poisoning of Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko. (more…)

The United States plans to declare war on horror, hysteria and hilarity once it is finished waging its war on terror, according to sources inside the Bush administration. (more…)

A marginal Grafton company was forced into bankruptcy after a staff member stole a colleague’s office chair, causing a chain reaction of chair reshuffling that saw productivity plummet to zero. (more…)

Aboriginal football hero Michael Long’s walk to Canberra has sparked a drive to relaunch ATSIC as an independent body funded entirely by walkathons. (more…)

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie has called for federal Labor to “sack or back” leader Mark Latham, but a caucus member retorted that what Latham really needs is a “sack, back and crack wax”. (more…)

Researchers and geeks obsessed with Lord of the Rings have released their findings that the “hobbit” bones found in Indonesia are not those of Frodo Baggins or his uncle Bilbo. (more…)

The long-standing steamy bilateral relationship between John Howard and George W. Bush appeared to be on the rocks as the U.S. President headed north and jumped in the sack with Canada, citing his need to “grow as a person” by experimenting with multilateralism. (more…)

Prime Minister John Howard, frustrated at failing to privatise the rest of Telstra, yesterday welcomed the successful spin-off of its chief executive Ziggy Switkowski. (more…)