Researchers and geeks obsessed with Lord of the Rings have released their findings that the “hobbit” bones found in Indonesia are not those of Frodo Baggins or his uncle Bilbo.

The crusty remains were found on the remote Indonesian island of Flores by overzealous archaeologists who eagerly called them “hobbits” in a cynical ploy to get publicity.

The man who dug up the remains, Thomas Sutikna, said he got on some Internet chat rooms and contacted Tolkien fanatics “who, being losers with no lives of their own, were happy to help”.

“Frodo and Bilbo left Middle Earth on a boat with Sir Ian McKellen, Cate Blanchett from memory and that bloke I always get mixed up with Sam Neill, oh yeah I know he’s Agent Smith in Matrix too … Hugo Weaving!” said Mr Sutikna.

“Their destination isn’t made clear but with Cate and Hugo being Aussies we’re pretty sure they were off on a dope run to Bali, which is in Indonesia.

“That would lead you to think the bones could be Frodo, but he had his finger bitten off by the Gollum on Mount Doom and these skeletons had all digits intact.”

It was also unlikely Bilbo was among the remains, he said.

“Bilbo was in the middle stages of dementia when they left Middle Earth and they probably quietly pushed him overboard soon after they set sail because they got sick of him drooling and pooping himself all the time.”

Gay groups have speculated the bones may belong to Frodo’s gardener Samwise Gamgee.

Nigel Mincer of the homosexual fans’ group Gaylords of the Rings said: “Homoerotic themes in the trilogy strongly suggest his friendship with Frodo was a same-sex sandwich waiting to happen. We don’t have much doubt that Sam being cast as a ‘gardener’ actually suggests gardening in an uphill direction.

“I’m pretty sure Sam set off on his own quest across the sea to find his companion so he could finally get to try Frodo’s ring on for size. But he ultimately died after catching some sort of communicable pox from an Indonesian prostitute.”

Movie expert Leonard Maltin said it was definitely not Frodo.

“He was last seen boarding a Qantas flight from Los Angeles to New Zealand. He was trying to get back to Middle Earth to audition for a role in Peter Jackson’s rumoured Hobbit prequel.

“But that sword he carries got him pulled aside at LAX airport because it started glowing blue when he got near the US Customs orcs. Ultimately he was banished along with Viggo Mortensen to Guantanamo Bay and then a shadowland where they would never make a decent film again.”