Queensland Premier Peter Beattie has called for federal Labor to “sack or back” leader Mark Latham, but a caucus member retorted that what Latham really needs is a “sack, back and crack wax”.

She said that at a pre-election Labor beach barbie down at Coogee Beach onlookers were appalled by the sight of Mr Latham in dicktogs.

“He tore off his T-shirt and boardies and there he was in his meat hangers with these bright red short and curlies climbing up out of the back of the under-gut-nut-hut,” said the source.

“We were really surprised that the crotch rug apparently doesn’t match the drapes and if Latham is really a bloodnut who dyes his hair that has all sorts of implications for party unity and public image.

“Anyway the word has been getting around the party room that Latham is a carpet-arse. There’s been all sorts of snickering, someone left a thing of Veet in his pigeon-hole and it’s all got to stop.”

Veteran spokesmodel Deborah Hutton said the party must either depillate or dump its leader if it’s to compete with the immaculately tweezered and baby-oiled John Howard.

“Howard has always been impeccable with his grooming, even having his eyebrows plucked to avoid monobrow and there’s talk he goes bald eagle below deck in the sausage-and-eggs region. That has the benefit of making the old Johnson look bigger; appearing to be a human tripod doesn’t do him any harm in maintaining his dominant-male status in the Libs.

“Labor under their current hairyback leadership just can’t compete with a smooth todger like Howard.”